We are just days away from WrestleMania 29! With three predictable main events on tap, WWE is either headed for a completely mediocre show or they might surprise us all and do some totally unexpected things. There is a lot to say, so I’m just going to get right to it.
THE UNDERCARD
Pre-Show Match – Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett vs. The Miz:
There is absolutely no point in having this match other than giving these guys something to do and having a match on the pre-show. Winner: Wade Barrett I guess? But they are high on Miz now. It doesn’t matter, if this match was so important it would have made the pay per view.
Chris Jericho vs. Fandango:
Fandango’s gimmick is one of the dumbest things I have ever seen: a dancer who is angry that people don’t say his name right. Luckily Chris Jericho is one of the greatest wrestlers of all time and can carry anybody to a good match and make them look good. I’ve heard Fandango is a pretty good worker so even though this match will be short it will probably be solid. Jericho is my favorite wrestler of all time so it makes be sad, but his returns are all about making the new generation look good so very likely no surprises here. Winner: Fandango
Tons of Funk and the Funkadactyls vs. Team Rhodes Scholars and the Bella Twins:
An 8-person mixed-tag with the idiotic pairing of Tensai and Brodus Clay with their dancers Cameron and Naomi against one of the best tag teams WWE has and the Bella Twins. Tensai used to be Albert, then A-Train and is one of my least favorite wrestlers ever. This match is going to be like 6 minutes long and I couldn’t care any less about it. This will be a definite “check how your fantasy baseball and basketball teams are doing” match. Winner: Team Rhodes Scholars
Ryback vs. Mark Henry:
This is going to be the worst match of the night easily, and only the second worst thing we will see behind Diddy’s musical performance. They will try real hard and in a video game this would be the sickest match ever since they could just smash shit. That won’t be how it goes down in real life. There will be some power moves, Ryback will try to lift Henry for Shellshock and will probably botch it and we’ll hear Cole be like, “Did he get all of it? I think he got all of it!” to make it not sound bad. Winner: Ryback
WWE Tag Team Champions Kane and Daniel Bryan vs. Dolph Ziggler and Big E. Langston:
I would have figured Team Hell No would be broken up by now and Kane and Bryan would be going head-to-head at this show. But since they’re still together, I don’t see why Ziggler and Big E. would win the belts from them unless Ziggler would cash in his Money in the Bank briefcase later in the night and walk out a double champion. I feel like if Ziggler and Langston win, it is because Team Hell No implodes, and if that happens then who do the new champs feud with? Tensai and Brodus Clay? I can’t imagine them sticking Ziggler in a situation like that when he seems ready for a big push. I see some New Years Revolution 2006 stuff happening here as Ziggler won’t care about losing since he has bigger things on his mind. I am excited to see Ziggler and Bryan working with each other at WrestleMania, though. That should be pretty exciting. Winner: Kane and Daniel Bryan
The Shield vs. Sheamus, Randy Orton, and Big Show:
This should be a pretty entertaining brawl, as all of The Shield’s matches thus far have been. There have been rumors of an Orton heel turn for a while so maybe this is where we finally see it go down, not necessarily as part of The Shield since that would be corny, but maybe they lose and he freaks out. This is one of the matches I am most excited for, and if somebody told me I’d be saying that about a match involving Orton and Big Show I would never have believed it. The Shield has been so entertaining and their hot run isn’t over yet, but more on that later. Winner: The Shield.
THE MAIN EVENTS
For these I will talk about what should happen and what probably will happen since three of the big four matches look mighty predictable and I want to play arm chair booker for a minute here.
World Heavyweight Champion Alberto Del Rio vs. Jack Swagger:
This match will be good but it is kind of a drag since the WHC is pretty much a secondary belt. It was defended in 18 seconds at last year’s Mania so excuse me if I don’t group it in with the magnitude of the other three remaining bouts. But as for the match itself, yikes man. Swagger’s evil, immigrant-hating, jingoist character is supposed to make him be a super heel, but Del Rio’s run as a face as gotten so stale so quickly people are actually cheering for Swagger some nights. This will probably be one of the better matches of the night since they are both good workers, but I wonder how much the crowd will really care. And with Swagger not getting punished for his DUI I am kind of bummed he still gets such a big match.
What should happen: Swagger should win and get his punishment for the DUI in the form of a shortened title reign when Dolph Ziggler cashes in his Money in the Bank briefcase and becomes World Champion.
What probably will happen: Swagger will get his punishment for the DUI in the form of a shortened title reign when Dolph Ziggler cashes in his Money in the Bank briefcase and becomes World Champion. WWE has been hesitant to pull the trigger on Ziggler for a while, but he got a big win over Cena at TLC in December, lasted the longest in the Rumble, and now is the time to go for it.
Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar, No Holds Barred and if Triple H loses he must retire:
Rant time. I go through phases where I love or hate Triple H, and right now is one of those times I can’t stand him at all. In the time that I have watched wrestling, I’ve seen Trips put people down way more than I’ve seen him put them over. Yes, he can work a great match when you need it but Jim Cornette basically said all that needs to be said about him. It would make perfect sense for Lesnar to win since he is 1-1 in his return and a victory here would allow him to easily enter into more main events going forward. However, since Lesnar got the win at SummerSlam last year and Trips has his career on the line, I don’t see him putting Lesnar over again.
Lesnar needs to win so he is easier to book as an animal. That loss to Cena in his return match was idiotic and that makes me think they won't know how to book him here either. The man was the UFC’s biggest PPV draw and has drawn big for WWE in his return. But we run into a problem. Anybody who acts like aside from putting over Benoit, Batista, and Shelton Benjamin that Triple H doesn’t shit all over people is living a lie since Booker T, RVD, Goldberg, and Cena all were made to look like fools against Trips. Sure Cena got the win at Mania but only after Triple H mocked his wrestling ability and made him look bad. Even Punk had to job to him two years ago despite Triple H not being a full-time guy anymore. He mocked Chris Masters for failing a Wellness test for no reason, and even kicked Wade Barrett in the nuts two weeks ago on Raw just to make himself look like a beast for no reason at all. There is no reason for Triple H to win, which means he probably will win. However, let me just toss in that this or the next match is way more deserving of the final spot on the card than the real main event.
What should happen: A Lesnar victory. You can’t keep booking somebody as a destroyer if he loses more than he wins. Triple H is moving into the front office, and a win here does nothing for him it only hurts Lesnar.
What will happen: HBK, Stephanie McMahon, and Vince McMahon will beat up on Paul Heyman and Triple H will win.
CM Punk vs. The Undertaker, Undertaker looks to go 21-0 at WrestleMania:
This will be one of Undertaker’s last matches, if not his last match. They were unsure if he would even be able to work this show, and the last couple years his matches have involved a lot of laying around tired. I don’t think he was selling a beating from Triple H two years ago, I think they just had him lay around and get smashed with a chair since he was too tired to do anything else. That said, this is the match I am most excited for since I am a huge fan of both and even if Taker can’t go like he used to, I think he’s got one more great match left in him. As messed up as it is to say this, luckily Paul Bearer died or else this feud would have been the most random thing ever. It is still pretty random but at least they have something to fight over other than Undertaker’s undefeated streak. Punk is a tremendous worker, and Undertaker literally takes the entire year off building for just this one night so I think they can do something special as long as Taker is in shape.
Undertaker really doesn’t have much left in the tank and there are all kinds of stories that Punk is banged up so who knows what they are really capable of here, but Taker’s had great Mania matches with Orton, Edge, Michaels twice, even Batista in the last decade so I think he’ll put it all out there to do it again. It is obvious that the streak isn’t going to end here, but that doesn’t make the match any less grand. WrestleMania is Undertaker’s show and working with him there is as big as having a title match. Taker may not be around much longer so we need to enjoy this while we can.
What should happen: Undertaker wins and then retires because he really has nothing left to do.
What will happen: Undertaker wins and doesn’t retire and will have some kind of bad match next year at Mania 30.
WWE Champion The Rock vs. John Cena:
I love Rock, but his current reign as WWE Champion is one of the worst I have seen. He is barely on Raw since he is promoting movies all the time and filming his stupid new reality show. This match doesn’t need the belt. Ryback should have won the Royal Rumble and should be ending CM Punk’s historic title reign at this show, and Rock and Cena could have their rematch from last year’s main event just because. But alas, it is all about money and having Rock as champion is big money for them so you can’t really be mad at WWE for this. The match will be a little lackluster since I think they did all they could do last year so there is nowhere else to take this thing. Cena has been acting a little crazy these last couple weeks, maybe hinting at a heel turn this weekend.
A Cena heel turn would be great since his character is beyond stale. With rumors CM Punk is going to take some time off after Mania, you’ll need a main event heel. Cena turning heel completely changes everything and nobody has to worry about seeing the same feuds over and over since everything will be totally shaken up. This feud has sucked this year since they are saying the same things from last year, only amended to reflect Cena’s loss. The crowd will probably be crapping all over this match since the predictable finish is that Cena will get his win back and the smark crowd will not want to see this.
What should happen: Rock should win or Cena should turn heel and cheat to win. It is so obvious that Cena will win that it can’t happen. You don’t need these guys feuding since WrestleMania 27 in an epic program to just put the most over guy in the company over even more.
What probably will happen: Cena will win clean, setting up a rubber match at Mania 30. It was so obvious Cena was going to win the Royal Rumble and it actually happened. Cena has been force fed down people’s throats for ten years, so no time to stop now. I don’t think WWE will have the stones to turn Cena heel at all, especially on the biggest show of the year.
So that is it. Hopefully we get an exciting show and hopefully we get a few surprises along the way. I mean, I’d like at least one surprise other than that increased PPV price…
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