Tonight is the WWE’s 25th Royal Rumble. It is a pretty lack luster card, but with the Rumble the first of the WWE’s Big Four shows for the year. Of course the main event of the night is the 30-man Royal Rumble match in which two men start and every two minutes another competitor enters the ring. Eliminations take place when a wrestler is thrown over the top rope and both of his feet touch the ground. The last man standing wins a world championship match against either Raw or SmackDown’s champ at WrestleMania. The Rumble match is always fun and the main reason to order the show, though the undercard should be entertaining enough though there are no United States or Intercontinental title matches. Here’s the deal:
John Cena vs. Kane
This is a bizarre grudge match. Kane has returned once again wearing a mask with long hair that is so terribly fake and attached to the mask and trunks so bootleg looking with flames on them I almost didn’t believe it was actually Kane at first. Kane has repeatedly gone after Cena demanding that Cena embrace the hate of the WWE fans. Kane went so far as to brutally attack Cena’s friend and current United States Champion Zack Ryder and “injure” him. This has caused Cena to go nuts and beat the shit out of people with no remorse. This angle has been extremely lame and random as it serves no purpose other than to just give Cena something to do while he waits for The Rock to get done promoting movies so they can hype up WrestleMania. Cena doesn’t lose, and I don’t see him losing at one of the biggest shows of the year to a guy who is hardly relevant anymore. Cena wins easily.
World Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan vs. Mark Henry vs. Big Show in a Steel Cage
The whole gimmick for this feud is that Bryan is such a little guy and Henry and Show are so huge. Bryan has spent weeks running away from both of them and retaining his belt in cowardly fashion, which of course means he will win convincingly tonight. I could not care any less about this match. Bryan Wins.
WWE Champion CM Punk vs. Dolph Ziggler with Guest Referee Raw General Manager John Laurinaitis
The whole CM Punk-Laurinaitis (here-in referred to as Johnny Ace since that was his name when he was a shitty wrestler) feud is a rehash of the Stone Cold Steve Austin-Vince McMahon feud from the 90s meant to tide Punk over until he likely builds for a program with Chris Jericho at WrestleMania. Johnny Ace of course wants Ziggler to win, but for the sake of his job he will most likely call the match fair and square. That said, Ziggler has done a pretty good job working his way up into the main event and will likely become champion before the year is out. However, don’t expect that to be the case tonight. Punk is the top guy right now and is, as he says over and over, the best wrestler in the world. And really, how am I not going to pick the guy I put in the banner for our site as the winner? This is going to be the best match on the undercard and most likely of the entire night since you have the best in the business and another very good wrestler in the ring. In terms of storyline and such though, the finish of the match isn’t really a mystery. CM Punk retains of course.
30-Man Royal Rumble
The event is taking place in St. Louis, the hometown of 2009 Rumble winner and former WWE and World Champion Randy Orton. He was WWE’s early pick to win but he was sidelined with an injury earlier this year and just returned this past week on SmackDown. They wrote him off in terms of storylines by having Wade Barrett beat the hell out of him, and Barrett’s feud with Orton hasn’t really been resolved. The show is in Orton’s hometown and WWE does have a thing with no longer having the winner of the Rumble be a new main eventer (the last few years have seen Undertaker, Edge, Cena, and Orton all win), so Orton seems like an obvious choice. It is also worth noting that WWE has always loved Orton and pushed him in spite of problems backstage and the fact his in-ring work is a little on the bad side and he is staler and stale.
The only other likely winner is the recently returned Chris Jericho. Jericho is one of the greatest in-ring performers and mic workers in the history of the business, though he has yet to wrestle and the only time he has spoken was to say this past Monday on Raw that the Rumble would be the end of the world. The big rumor is that it will be Jericho and Punk at Mania so having Jericho win tonight would set the wheels in motion. Orton has been a perennial main eventer for years so he doesn’t really need the win, and his program with Barrett isn’t done. I could easily see this ending some stupid way with Jericho coming out and just high fiving everybody sitting ringside like he has been then running backstage and as Orton eliminates Barrett at the end Jericho just pops up behind him and throws him out. Regardless of how it happens I still think Jericho wins.
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